In the past years, I have intentionally started to pay close attention to my circle of friends, because I felt the growing need to surround myself with people that truly know me, that I can trust, that can have each other’s back and that we can grow together. Beyond these reasons, time and attention are key elements that come into play. The more we are aging, the more precious our time is and the less we want to give attention to things or people that drain us.
These moments of self-awareness obliged me to look into facts and to confront myself with the reality of who I was becoming and what I needed and wanted to feel whole.
Friendship Is a Commitment Too
We usually over-emphasise romantic relationships between partners (boyfriend and girlfriend, or husband and wife), while we rarely speak about friendship with the same depth. Friendship is equally a commitment between two persons to know each other, to accept each other, to love, forgive, support and be honest with each other. To allow oneself to be seen, and to ultimately trust each other.
In many ways, friendship can be just as intense and demanding, than romantic relationships.
Twelve Years with Fatna
During my first years of university, I met Fatna. What followed was a 12 year friendship journey of discovering ourselves and each other. And like some marriages, our friendship reached a point where separation felt more honest than staying and becoming versions of ourselves we would hate.
Both grew up, going through various processes of adulthood at a different pace, but our friendship did not grow with us.
From her perspective, I never truly accepted who she was. She believed I was constantly trying to change her. “ Bla bla bla”, the immature part of me was screaming.
From mine, she was too secretive, withholding parts of herself instead of sharing freely, even when I was trying to support her. My unfiltered ego was screaming to my response, “Boss, you are right. Don’t bend”.
Our last exchange was theatrical and raw, style american drama, when no one wants to carry the burden of responsibilities.
She called me “selfish, incapable of putting myself in someone else’s shoes”. And I was like “why should I do that, if you keep wearing your shoes without socks?”.
I told her I couldn’t take it anymore, that we weren’t anymore aligned. Of course, I have polished my statement, I can’t sound like the villain in my own story.
Two sets of different needs (both valids) that could have been addressed in a way that our friendship could have been preserved, but hélas, our lack of communication skills and maybe external support made us fail.
What hurts the most in these situations is not just the ending. It’s the awareness of what could have been.
When someone has been your safest space, when you gave love without expecting it back (indulging self-abandonment), and when you knew it was no longer working, but still chose to try again, because the patterns were so familiar that you preferred them instead of the unknown.
In the end, so many things didn’t mean much, because fear has kept us captives to our attachment, not love.
Truths I Have Acknowledged About Friendship
Although things have ended as they did, I have acknowledged and accepted the following truths when it comes to friendship:
- What can be perceived as a toxic relationship can also be a great living school if we cultivate self-awareness. The friendship with Fatna is the relationship where I grew the most.
- Your wounds or pain don’t give you permission to hurt others. On the other hand, in the moment of extreme pain, the other may not allow you to be there or value your support as you would have liked — do not take it personally, although you are friends, some valleys need to be walked down alone.
- (Déjà read, but worth repeating) You can’t love anyone more than you should love yourself, otherwise you will drown yourself in toxic patterns.
- Expectations are made to be communicated, not hidden. Find your own means and ways to communicate them to the other. No “guess what?” in adult relationships.
- Unaddressed issues will consume you like a burning candle (incessantly, slowly but surely). Confront it or die with awareness of it.
- Love is an action and a decision.
- Once you have loved, truly loved, the action of it never dies, it is impossible. Which is the actual reason why we are moving out and on, to keep each other’s sanity.
- Lack of quality communication, interest and care for the other will make us behave like “walls” (inflexible, hard/harsh, and mute).
- Take the courage to ask the hard questions and to accept the truth that comes from them. It is nothing personal, because we have committed to growing together.
- Any (perceived) feelings of fear, pushing us to lie or to move like we are walking on eggshells, is the ultimate signal that the relationship is going wrong.
- Valuing and nurturing the friendship is both parties’ responsibility. If ever you find yourself carrying it alone, address it with the other sooner rather than later, because as human beings we tend to quickly feel comfortable and to take the other for granted.
That said, I want to outline the incorrect understanding of reconciliation as “fixing things and staying”. Sometimes, depending on the circumstances and context, reconciliation may mean just letting go and accepting that there is not much that can still be given and received in that relationship (for now).
Reconciliation Doesn’t Always Mean Staying
Despite everything, I want to reinforce how much joy, love and support a true friendship can bring to our life. Someone that has seen you for who you truly are, without judgement, but rather with acceptance and accountability, is a true gem. Seek it. Be that friend you want the other to be for you. Give, and accept to be given. When tired, pause (if needed) and let the other know, so you can catch up together.
Simon Sinek once said “trust is built when you ask for help from the other” — it is the strongest thing we can do in friendship, and the sign that we are letting the other in, no matter how disorganised our within can appear to us.
Thank you Fatna, because we have created great memories, I have learnt and I have grown. If the universe brings our journeys together one more time, hopefully it will be different and we will find each other at the stage where we have understood love as a decision, which requires our mutual involvement and commitment to dialogue and understanding.
There is no rigid standard in friendship. Who you choose to be as a friend will shape what you seek in others. In the meantime, just be, it is enough.
Cameroon Passport Diaries 